Technology hates me so it should have come as no surprise when the ticket machine at Bournemouth station wouldn’t let me in to get my advance ticket that I had bought on Paypal. Never mind, I had arrived in plenty of time partly due to my Ryanair flight shaving 45 minutes off its landing time. With my ticket rescued I arrived in Oxford mid afternoon to glorious sunshine tempered by a chilly breeze. The daffodils were bursting forth and the old canal and backwaters of the mill stream looked rather splendid.

It was St Patricks Day so the Oxford pubs were pushing the usual merchandise. An American student in The Chequers wearing a large Guiness hat was wishing everyone a great day but she then bought a bottle of San Miguel – mixed messages or what. It seeems the local council are still as bad as ever, the Covered market is a popular historic part of the city centre with loads of charm and character but the council are trying to hike their rents up by an extortionate amount. As a young spotty youth still at school I used to work weekends and holiday on a fruit and veg stall in the market, hard work but a good way to earn a few quid.Later I found some nice real ales and bumped into some old friends, a good, if long, first day back.

The British weather played a blinder for me, Oxford City had several home games rained off and had re-arranged Histon Town at home on Tuesday evening. The Cambridge area opponents were just above City in the relegation zone of the Conference North so a real six pointer. The league is now called Skrill North, I finally found out what they are, Skrill are another form of Paypal, but whatever you call it the Conference North is the highest level I have ever seen City compete in.

With Champions League action on TV and a wet windy pig of a night, only 203 turned up for the game but City came from behind to win 2-1, their first win since Boxing Day – I was well chuffed. A year ago an American businessman with unproven credentials, Thomas Gueniero moved in as President and co owner of the City, he was over from the States shaking hands and looking for babies to kiss like a TV preacher on heat. The bloke talks PR management speak and is trying to get several other Oxford sporting teams under his wing. My bullshit radar was bleeping off the scale and the next days article in The Oxford Mail did nothing to dispel my concerns over just what this chap is up to. The man says he will get City into the football league and the crowds will come – oh really.

Relegation still looks a strong possibility, at least City are leading the fair play table – doesn’t that get you into the Europa League these days? Anyway it couldn’t detract from my pleasure at seeing a win and I celebrated with a few beers in Headington afterwards.

The omens weren’t good, Aitor Sanz suspended, Ricardo and Ayoze Perez down with flu, and just before the game Loro pulled out injured. Even with those odds stacked against them, CD Tenerife looked pretty comfortable in the first half. Self inflicted defensive howlers gifted Mallorca a 2-0 home win, full backs Moyano and Raul Camara both had a mare.

The enforced  changes didn’t work, Nano got his first senior start up front and worked hard with little support from the ineffective midfield. Rivero’s only contribution to the game was his corners, from one early in swinger Bruno rose to head just over the bar. Suso was back on the bench after his wonder show last week and Edgar switched sides to cover his right wing hunting ground. Aridane had a blast that went wide but the danger was growing from Mallorca with Nsue and Thomas looking menacing.The Tenerife full backs were too casual, Camara lost his footing when under pressure and Moyano looked like a novice.

The opening goal after 25 minutes came as Mallorca nipped in thee wide open back gate, as the ball sailed across the Tenerife goalmouth Marco Asencio had plenty of time to score. Camara went off after 38 minutes after pulling a muscle and was replaced by Ayoze Diaz on the left. Inigo Ros nearly served up another gift with a silly foul, he owed his team mates a beer or two for their defensive wall that stopped the free kick. Cristo closed the half with a curling shot that wasn’t too far off target. Former Tenerife hero Alfaro hit the post at the start of the second half, Roberto was decisive in charging out of his goal to punch away several chances but he got lucky when he missed completely and Thomas shot past his netting.

Aridane was having a poor game, he was even getting knocked off the ball with ease, he should have gone off when Juanjo came on as sub but Edgar got the call instead. It was all slipping away now for Tenerife and Mallorca exploited the wide open midfield to launch another attack, the ball broke to Thomas and he was lethal with his shot – game over. Finally Suso hit the pitch after 79 minutes, it was too late to make any impact and the game fizzled out. Let’s look on the bright side, no sendings off this week and we should have a full squad to pick from next Sunday at home to Ponferradina.  

Neither rain, third placed Recreativo, or a lost soul of a ref could stop the charge of CD Tenerife on the closing day of Carnaval in Santa Cruz. The 1-0 score didn’t reflect the superiority of the home team, it could easily have been a landslide.

Nine Canarians lined up for the start of the game, Moyano returned to right back, Ayoze Diaz held the left back spot and Alberto looked at home filling in at the centre of defence for the suspended Carlos Ruiz. Suso had the captains armband and relished the honour, he was at full power all game. It took just 13 minutes for a classy goal to ignite the crowd, a deep ball from Cristo found Suso who interchanged with Aridane to rip open the visiting defence and bulge the back of the net.

The rain made the surface greasy but it was Recreativo who struggled with their footing, their forwards looked poor and were kept shackled by the new look Tenerife back four. Cabrero in the Recreativo goal was a puncher rather than a catcher and worth the odd long range tester, Cristo set his boots a little high and Ricardo had the keeper scrambling to cover his chip over a free kick wall. Aridane had a strong shout for a penalty on the half hour, and Ayoze missed with a shot on the turn. Recreativo were making plenty of errors, Linares slipped in front of goal, of course we didn’t mock him – much, and their goalie skewed a clearance kick that spun wide of his own net.

The referee underwent a personality change at half time, his new outlook on the game was quite bizarre as he started to get simple calls wrong. Cabrero got better and foiled an Aridane header from Suso and then made a low diving stop from the same player. Aitor Sanz got a phantom booking early in the half then after 74 minutes he was brought down but the ref managed to give him another yellow for obstruction so he had to go. Back up goalie Diego Rivas had a go at the ref from the sidelines and got a straight red, his big mistake was getting up from the bench and arguing in the refs face.

A man down could have been a big problem if Tenerife had sat back but they were magnificent in keeping the pressure on Recreativo, Ayoze hit the bar and the post in quick succession. Ros replaced Cristo and Edgar took over from Ayoze who had overcome flu to start the game. The final minutes saw some heroic defending with Suso clearing off the goal line and Roberto taking a highball under pressure. Let’s hope the players managed to grab some well deserved fun later that night with the celebrating carnaval crowds.

All this dressing up and having fun is not just a young persons game. This week the Santa Cruz bus stop has been knee deep in revelers in all manner of costumes but down near Las Tarajales beach in Los Cristianos nations were throwing, or more accurately bowling their own fancy dress party.

Los Hermanos Petanque Club always attracts a crowd with their daily afternoon games and big international tournaments. The flags were fluttering, the bar was lubricating, and the metal balls were rolling, and all in the company of jailbirds, sultans, and even a big stripey bee. If the incoming ferries could have seen the explosion of colour they could have been forgiven for drifting a little off course.

I have had the pleasure of meeting this enthusiastic and well organized group a few times before, they regularly get 100 to 120 people competing on the split level site and are always welcoming new converts, they have just added a Danish section to their numbers. Some 20 years ago it started with Belgians and just one Brit, the waste land was rough and they had to mark it out in lanes etc as best they could.

Times have changed, women are now welcomed, well Los Hermanos means The Brothers, and they have over 600 members. The club is registered with Arona council, a few years ago the council even added concrete borders to measurements supplied by the players. Members pay their regular fees with a levy on top for an annual donation to a local childrens charity. The name petanque comes from the French for “feet anchored” as they have to bowl from a circle of up to 50 cms in diameter, they use rubber mats to mark it out. The scoring is quite similar to green bowls with the nearest to the jack scoring with any balls that are nearer than their opponents best shot, 15 points wins a game.

Despite the keen rivalry, it’s all played in a relaxed spirit, and you couldn’t get much more relaxed than playing in an outrageous costume. There’s a lot of measuring shots and mid lane conferences before they change ends, I love their gadget to save bending to pick up balls, a magnet on a string does the hard work for them. The click of metal was destined to carry on all afternoon as the competition reached its climax, the technique may not have been vastly different from the Winter Olympic curling but the scorching Tenerife sun was a million miles from the snow and ice of Russia.

Make sure you have a weekly roast, and change your socks every day, wise words imparted by my mum years ago. With the intention of sticking to at least half of that advice I popped into Vivo in Las Americas, home of The Tenerife Weekly, to try the new weekday carvery.

Music is never far away, I’ve been to see Bitter and Twisted in the Decades cabaret, as I went up to make my selection some 60s soul music was a welcome soundtrack for the sport and news on the large screens. Things have changed a lot since the old days of the wide open indoor event hall, it’s now very intimate and comfy with split level seating areas. The meat choice on my visit was turkey or pork, I opted for generous slices of turkey crown, you don’t have to wait for Christmas.

The vegetable selection looked good so I went for a mix of carrots, broccoli, roast and mashed potatoes and cauliflower cheese, a chunk of toad in the hole and gravy filled my plate nicely. Other diners had gone for the ever changing dish of the day, chicken, leek, and bacon pie or shepherds pie, both tempted me. Salad fans were well catered for and on Fridays the main dish has a fish flavour with the catch of the day.

Through the main doors I could see the mini golf amusing a couple of family groups, no Rupert Bear trousers required.. Live music was wafting in from the front lounge outside and I was feeling ready for my dessert. Double chocolate brownie with cream was my choice, the profiteroles, strawberry jam sponge, and carrot cake made strong claims though.

One of the waitresses offered me a choice of several daily papers as I polished off my cold coke, there is a full bar service as well but I was saving myself for a sea swim after a seafront stroll back to Los Cristianos. The basic Monday to Friday carvery is 5.80 from noon to 4pm.They have free parking and a take away service as well so pop in and give yourself a tick for spotting the double decker bus, the giant pirates, and the play area.

Now I’ve seen it all, Aridane the mighty with a strong glancing header to open the scoring and later Aridane the dainty, as his deft little flick put Ayoze through to earn a 2-2 draw at resurgent Real Madrid Castilla.

 A few of us met in The Buzz Bar at Compostela Beach with relaxed expectations for the second CD Tenerife away game in a week. The pack of traveling fans looked cold as the wind shook the TV cameras and rain splashed on the lens. Coach Cervera sprung another surprise, dropping Aitor Sanz for Inigo Ros in midfield and Ayoze Diaz made a return to a CDT shirt after 11 years away, he filled the left back slot so Raul Camara could return to his natural right side in place of suspended Moyano.

What a start, Loro floated over a great corner from the right and Aridane rose above the defence to put Tenerife ahead after just three minutes. Castilla looked comfortable on the ball and made some snappy passes, they went close, hitting the bar after the visiting wall had done its job at a free kick. Ayoze showed his skill on the half hour by beating two defenders and chesting the ball down for a shot but it went wide. Edgar set him up for another effort, this time his chip fell a bit short.

Edgar was creating again in the second half, forcing a corner with his determined run and Ricardo tried a hopeful lob that forced a save. It was all level when Aguza netted after 59 minutes, Roberto struggled to get across his goal to cover a long range ball and on a greasy surface it flew in at the post. Suso replaced the injured Edgar and got a stupid booking that keeps him out next week, after that he settled into his usual powerful running down the right, Castilla always carried a threat and some slack defending from Raul Camara in particular allowed them back in with a goal from De Tomas on 70 minutes.

Cristo tried his luck with a curling shot but with Ayoze breaking, Aridane found him with the sweetest pass and the young striker roasted the defence and side footed into the net. Tenerife looked the most likely to snatch a winner, Suso shot just wide, in the closing seconds a dangerous home free kick could have proved costly but Roberto smothered the ball perfectly. Four points from two away games is top form, losing Suso and Ruiz through bookings for the Recreativo home game isn’t ideal but there’s plenty of competition in the squad.  

In case it slipped your mind it’s 100 years since the First World War began, the Swallows Drama Group from Los Cristianos hasn’t forgotten. They staged two performances of the musical Oh What A Lovely War and after seeing the first night I can vouch that the message is as powerful as ever.

Decades before Pink Floyd The Wall and Blackadde Goes Fourth took their swipes at the absurdity of and tragic waste of young lives that dominated WW1, this musical hit the stage in 1963. I can remember seeing bits of the Richard Attenborough film version but that was such a long time ago. My Grandad used to tell me of his awful experiences  in the trenches and I always remember the sorrow in his voice.

It was a time of bizarre optimism as the war was depicted as some huge boys own adventure, a stiff upper lipped determination that all would work out well and even to think about the cost in human lives was almost treason. The contrast with the western front couldn’t have been more different and it’s this gulf in reality that the musical highlights. The cast did a grand job of mastering the old popular propaganda songs like Pack Up Your Troubles and Belgium Put the Kibosh On The Kaiser and the generals and leaders were shown as history portrays them, fools at best and guilty of sacrificing millions of young recruits to protect their privileged place in society.

The hall at the Los Cristianos cultural centre was packed with an audience of 80 plus and the stage was small and with little room for access but they kept up a good pace as the story moved from 1914 to 1918. The soldiers, many played by ladies, wore clown like costumes rather than uniforms to further show the farcical nature of the hell they were ordered into. Props were basic but the narrator’s recital of the cold stats of lives lost in each battle illustrated the points perfectly.

The illusion of happy tommies backed by a well drilled military machine under the sharpest tactical minds was gradually shattered as letters from the front told of poor planning, lack of equipment, and an almost blatant disregard for others lives from the commanders. This was when the songs changed in nature to parodies of upbeat contemporary tunes and rebellious cries for an end to the carnage. When This Bloody War Is Over and Keep The Home Fires Burning are rousing but tinged with sadness. The two hour show was a fitting tribute to the anniversary of WW1 and with proceeds going to Cancer Research Tenerife it also served a good cause. My compliments to the whole ensemble, coming from a generation that didn’t have conscription I can only think how fortunate I am.

The walnut on my whip, the cream on my pudding, fair to say I was rather happy at CD Tenerife’s brilliant sign off goal in the 1-3 win at Lugo. It capped a wonderful day that started with a fourth straight win for CD Marino, this time 1-0 at home to Vecindario.

There was a surprise with top scorer Murci dropped to the bench for CD Marino but Balduino was leading the line and the home side soon tested the keeper. The Gran Canaria side struggled to put any good moves together but when the ball broke for them, captain Ruiman managed to show a little desire and Ruben even gave Alberto’s hands a little tickle with his shot.

It was all Marino, Balduino looped an effort over the bar, Airam and Yosimar tormented the Vecindario defence and their goalie looked ill at ease. The best chances came at the end of the first half, Balduino found himself in front of goal with Airam off to his right but he tried his luck and the keeper just about managed to get a hand to stop the shot. Darias took the ball to the byline and passed it back across the goalmouth but it eluded both sets of players.

The second half was frustrating for Marino as they tried to turn their superiority into a goal, Josito hit the ball over the bar on the turn and Airam had the visitors panicking, it nearly resulted in an own goal. Richard fired wide of the target but with seven minutes left Pablo saw his shot rebound off a defender and Balduino was on hand to get the vital strike.

Other results at the top went well for Marino with Granadilla losing and CD Tenerife B drawing, the Las Americas team are now a solid third just two points behind leaders Granadilla.

CD Tenerife had a dream start in Lugo, Moyano’s ball in from the right after six minutes was ripe for Aridane, he nipped in between two defenders and delivered a fine header for the lead. Lugo came back into the game as Alvaro picked up on a chance made by Renella and found a gap in the Tenerife defence to level. The home keeper had already got a knock and had to go off after a robust challenge from Ayoze and his replacement didn’t have a clue.

Just after the restart a defensive mix up released the ball, Ayoze was on it, he didn’t need a couple of brooms to speed him on his way, his pace took him to just outside the box where the sub keeper loitered and he popped the ball between his legs and into the open net.A tight offside call on Carlos Ruiz denied a further goal, and Roberto was back on top form and snapped up any high balls that came in.

Five minutes of injury time was a cruel test but Tenerife were ready with a blaze of glory. A free kick to Lugo was curled around the wall by Pitta but Roberto, partially unsighted, made an instinctive dive and pushed the ball away at the bottom of the post, the ball broke upfield and Ayoze was in sprint mode again easily outstripping his markers, his final move was to round Manu and tuck the ball in the net. Class, pure class.

The stonking rainbow as we approached Santa Cruz should have ended at Ayoze Perez, CD Tenerife’s pot of gold, but he had lead in his boots and a big money transfer on his mind in the 1-1 draw with Real Zaragoza.

It was cold in the Heliodoro but a great game to watch had the poor 7,180 crowd in good voice as Tenerife shaded the first half. Suso was in dazzling form again and new forward Juanjo had an encouraging home debut, with Cristo, Ricardo, and Aitor Sanz playing well in midfield there was plenty to cheer. Ayoze didn’t look sharp but a brilliant run down the right by Suso ended with a tuck back to Juanjo who powered his header into the net for a 26 minute lead.

Even the biblical rain lashing in couldn’t dampen our spirits and we just needed another goal in the second half to snuff out a good Zaragoza side but missed chances again cost us, Ayoze wasn’t on form and Moyano’s long range dig was the closest to increasing the lead. Roberto had been impressing with quick decisive interceptions but the young goalie made a hash of his timing when trying to punch away the ball and Arzu had an easy headed leveler. Tenerife tried hard at the end but Ayoze missed a tap in at the post and made poor contact with a headed chance while sub Edgar couldn’t find the net with the goalie stranded. A draw was a fair reflection but if only…

Sunday morning a few of us headed to Granadilla to see CD Tenerife B, we got there to find both teams and the crowd waiting outside a locked stadium. With the severe weather alert issued the previous day the local council had decided it would be too dangerous to play the game even though it was a lovely crisp sunny morning. Eventually the fire brigade and Guardia Civil arrived and the firemen went in to inspect the ground and repair a small break in a high fence, the game started 90 minutes late. Hope this doesn’t  happen in the World Cup final.

Second placed Atletico Granadilla looked better on the day and eventually won 2-0 against the divisions leaders. It was a bizarre setting with the snow blanketing the hills above the ground while the sun made it a very warm, I definitely felt overdressed in my animal furs and Cossacks hat. The Tenerife B team has lost several key players to the seniors this season and still done really well but Granadilla wore them down and took advantage of a couple of silly errors for the goals to win 2-0 . With Marino winning away the top four promotion play off spots are really cut and thrust.

I thought things couldn’t get stranger but later that afternoon in Los Cristianos I went for a pizza at the Auditorio café, they had new staff and the bloke told me he would have a go at cooking my pizza and I would only have to pay if he didn’t ruin it. Just as well I didn’t order anything more complicated. The pizza was fine but as I ate it an old chap wobbled by juggling on a unicycle – well it was that sort of a weekend.

It had to be done, after years of dedicated research six of the Armada Sur booked up for the Dorada Sin Secretos brewery tour just above Santa Cruz. We met up in Los Cristianos for some last minute liquid research into our subject matter and caught the 110 direct Titsa bus to the capital.

I had thought we might have to scrum down for the bus but it was pretty empty so we were able to spread out at the back and enjoy the trip. Of course we had a quick chorus of Oasis Oasis as we passed our football watering hold half way up the motorway. Santa Cruz was warm and sunny with the Carnaval fair under construction down by the tram terminal. We hopped on and were whizzed up to the stop just past the brewery. With plenty of time in hand we adjourned to the Tasca La Antorcha just up the side road.

What a nice friendly bar it was, they thought we were workers from the brewery, we ordered a nice spread of tapas to go with our Dorada’s and emerged fully prepared. I did the tour about a year ago but was looking forward to another visit, our two guides Laura and Rebeca were rather lovely and very informative with Laura speaking excellent English picked up in Kent. After paying our 3 euros first up was a film about the history of the company, then we got kitted out in our high visibility jackets – no sneaking off for a crafty swim in the beer vats then. 

Into the cooking area and we were able to see how the brewing process works and see the malt, hops and yeast at work, the smell was delightful. Going up in the big elevator I couldn’t help thinking of Willy Wonka however this lift led to the packing plant we popped little plugs in our ears as the clinking of the bottles charging along the belts is very loud. It’s surprising to see how few staff are needed on the floor as the washing of bottles and crates is automatic. Next stop was the lab where they carry out quality control on the brews, we were fortunate to meet the boss who answered questions from us. Dorada has another plant in Las Palmas where the cans are filled while the bottles get the magic liquid here in Santa Cruz.

That left one last stop, the museum and tasting room, by now our taste buds were gagging for some beer. Of course our only motivation for doing the tour was educational so it was good to see the range of bottles, cans, and posters that had been used over the years, the new carnaval bottles are the latest addition. Would we like to sample the beer? Silly question, of course we did and had a couple of beers each to savour, it tasted even better with our added knowledge. We reluctantly said farewell to the ladies and caught the tram down into Santa Cruz for a quick walk through the city centre to the bus station. Arriving with 20 minutes to wait for our bus we visited the bar for a top up and then headed south for the football at The Merry Monk. What a perfect day.