If it wasn’t bad enough seeing punk legends like Johnny Rotten and Iggy Pop advertising butter and insurance, I have just seen one of my heroes, Hugh Cornwell of The Stranglers on BBC Breakfast, tarnishing his wild man image.

Hugh has a new solo LP and was talking about one track that tells how he hates Trowbridge in Wiltshire and in particular its one way road system. This is a man who caused riots at concerts, and went to jail for smoking “rock and roll woodbines” . The new song is called “Don’t Put me On A Slowboat To Trowbridge” hardly Peaches or Something Better Change. I saw The Stranglers live a couple of times, once with a bloke playing the spoons as the support act, and I saw Hugh do one of his first solo gigs. It was at a new venue above an Oxford pub, the light system was poor and Hugh sung Golden Brown with a towel over his head and then sarcastically said “the light was a lot better that time”.

So whatever next, will Polly Styrene make a song about her problems finding nice curtains, or will Stiff Little Fingers do a number about getting planning permission for their patio. Personally, I still feel young and wild, only the other day, I ate an After Eight mint at 7.30, Anarchy in Tenerife or what?

Dear Reader

On behalf of the combined local councils of Britain, I would like to appeal to all Tenerife based ex pats and holiday makers,for your help during the current weather crisis in the UK. You may be aware that all councils are rapidly running out of gritting salt due to the unexpected (it was only forecast a week in advance) snow.

Therefore may I ask that if you are popping out to a Tenerife bar or restaurant for a meal, instead of putting salt on your food, just pop a sachet or salt cellar into your pocket or bag. This salt can then be sent to the local UK council of your choice by post, or handed in at reception. This is for the greater good of your homeland, and will be much appreciated. Many thanksÂ

Yours faithfully

Lord Winter

President of BALLS – British Appeal for Loads and Loads of Salt

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Maybe I am aclimatising to the frost and ice now im down in Oxford, I almost feel like skinny dipping in the River Thames – I did say almost. I have been visiting a few old haunts around Oxford during my stay, more of the pubs later. Hope you are suitably impressed by the famous headington shark, it’s been in that roof since August 1986. The house owner, Bill Heine, an American ex law student had the 25 foot creature sculpted in fibre glass by John Buckley. It arrived under a veil of secrecy, scaffolding and covers went up and then one morning it was removed to reveal the shark, much to the horror of neighbours and the indignation of the local council. After a big planning row, it was allowed to stay, probably because it had gained so much world wide publicity by then.

Why is it there? i hear you scream – I have very acute hearing. it is called “Untitled 1986” and is supposed to say something about CND, nuclear power and Chernobyl. It has done well for its owner Bill Heine, who became a bit of a local celebrity and then a presenter on BBC Radio Oxford, he later added a giant pair of candy striped kicking legs on the front of his Moulin Rouge cinema, and a giant pair of white Al Jolson like hands on his Penultimate Picture Palace – both have gone now.

When i was younger, so much younger than today, hey thats a good idea for a song lyric, I used to go to the local cinema down the road The Regal, for the saturday morning ABC Minors Matinees. Oh what jolly good fun it was, a cartoon, a main film, and a serial such as Flash Gordon or The Black Whip, try Googling them and you will probably get something much raunchier these days. The cinema closed years ago and after a brief spell as a bingo hall, was left to rot until earlier this year when 2 entrepreneurs bought it and gave it a face lift to become a big live music and private hire venue, I have been itching to have a look, in my young days it just left me itching.

As a grade 2 listed building, The Regal has been restored with all the old grandeur and ornate decoration revived. The gorgeous and very helpful Charlotte on reception must have thought i was an escapee from Jurassic Park as she let me in to have a quick nosey. The memories came flooding back, it was 6d to sit downstairs and 9d to sit up in the balcony, a good vantage point to flick sweets etc. I recall the brushed red tip up seats, the kiora and slimy hot dogs and even packets of poppets chocolate sweets. Each week anyone with a birthday was invited on stage to get a free ticket and a goodie bag, some kids seemed to have several birthdays in a year. then there was the song we all had to sing before the films started, I can remember it even now, but suffice to say it was all about how we were all jolly pals together – corny or what.Â

There was also a series of ABC Minors badges you could collect, wish i still had mine, probably very collectable these days and worth a bob or two. Usherettes ( not a job option these days) would stand down the front below the stage in the interval, in their red uniforms, selling choc ices and sweets such as Old Jamaica, a sweet imitation of tobaco, you wouldn’t get away with that now. It was a simpler age, not always better, im sure many of the kids still went out after the show and caused mayhem, shoving bangers up a cats arse or nicking sweets from Woolworths pick and mix – I always went for the raspberry ruffles. Nice to see the old place put to good use, the day after I was there, they had an afternoon tea dance-isn’t that what Max Mosley called his little parties? or is that just my smutty mind.

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Limping and dragging its wing, a large seagull flopped off an incoming wave and lurched into crash position on the beach as curious holiday makers looked on. Through the crowd, a sturdy beach buggy with a red cross flag billowing, rolled down to the shore and 2 life guards helped the injured bird into a box and drove it back to their station to contact the local bird park to come and collect it for treatment. Not the most thrilling plot line for an episode of Baywatch, but just one of the small day to day incidents that highlight the compassion, dedication and sheer professionalism of the socorristas (lifeguards) on Las Vistas beach in Los Cristianos.Â

As a dedicated beach bum and avid swimmer I get to see a lot of the work of the friendly team guarding and protecting the beach, and my admiration for them grows daily. Just last week Arona council were holding training courses for another batch of lifeguards, a timely reminder to me, to sing their praises. You can just imagine what sort of problems too much sun and drink can cause, add in people thinking they can cruise to La Gomera on an inflatable airbed and you can see that there is no shortage of incidents on the beach, good job the guards are around. Part of their 300 hours training includes basic first aid for sun stroke, swimming cramp, the odd insect bite and many other bizarre injuries.

Arona council has a multi lingual programme of Barriers Free Tourism, which allows disabled visitors a chance to enjoy the beach and a swim in the sea. Special parking zones, entrance ramps, roll up boardwalks and disabled changing rooms all go to make the beach fun for special visitors but best of all are the socorristas. They have 3 amphibian chairs among their equipment, free for use and purpose built to take disabled bathers into the sea. The guards patiently push and pull the chairs from the reserved decking sunbed area down to the waters edge and help their passengers into the sea and then wait to be called to go in and help them back out. It’s not an easy process but is always conducted with patience, dignity and good humour. The chairs need to be booked 24 hours in advance through the life guard station or on 922761600 and are only used when the green safety flag is flying.

Most people probably think it’s a cushy number watching the peaches on the beaches all day, catching a tan and putting the beach buggy, jet ski and canoe through their paces but with common sense left behind by most bathers, the socorristas have be stay alert. Even now with the rocky base of the beach fountain sealed off by a rope and a warning notice in 3 languages, people feel the urge to slip under the rope and climb up over the wet rocks. Then there is the red flag warning of dangerous waves, it merely acts as a challenge to some visitors.

Never mind, we can all feel safer knowing that from 10am to 6pm every day, the beach patrol will be ready will binoculors focussed, and red plastic torpedos tucked under their arms to stop us getting out of our depths.

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Floating serenely down the kilometre long lazy river, with my bum wedged in an inflatable yellow doughnut and my toes wiggling in the cool water, what a way to spend a Saturday afternoon in the Tenerife sunshine. Today I had my first hands on experience of Siam Park, the new Water Kingdom in Costa Adeje.

My last trip was covering the official opening evening on September 15, a much more formal affair but this time I gratefully acepted a media day invite, and brought along friends Vicki and Martin, over from the UK, to enjoy the rides. Although a keen swimmer, i’m not a huge fan of thrill rides and Vicki describes herself as a wimp, but we all took the plunge on The Giant, as the colourful Thai faced God head seemed to promise a gentle first ride. Armed with an inflatable ring each we climbed the stone steps bare foot, ridges and pock marks ensure a good grip for even wet feet, to the launch area. A lifeguard referred to a video screen of the splash pool at the bottom of the ride to ensure the tubes were clear and then beckoned us to plop ourselves on our rings, grip the handles and launch onto the slide and through the tube opening. The water wasn’t cold but as we slopped from side to side, rushing down the chute, the twists and turns definately got the adrenaline pumping. Halfway down a bigger chamber redirected us onto the final descent and plopped us out to be greeted by a burst of sunlight and a shower of spray – exhilerating.

That was our fuses well and truly lit, we were back up for more and then onto the Naga Racer for a face down, head first ride on a giant flip flop down an undulating slide. A much needed food break, and we were on to the more sedate Lazy River, grabbing our doughnuts and drifting away with the meandering current. After a circuit of the park we were washed onto a moving ramp to raise us up 8 metres to a higher level and more drifting. I was just thinking how this could be adapted to challenge the Thames punts back in Oxford, when a lovely young lady lifeguard advised me to cross my legs and hold on tight (feel free to insert your own smutty thought at this point). My bright yellow support dropped into a fast and twisting series of downwards rapids, as I skidded around the upper curves, bobsleigh style, until becalmed in an underground section. Flowing slowly, I got my breath back in time to admire the fish darting back and forth in the large glass sided tanks around and above me. Looking up, I could see the sealed tube from the Tower of Power ride  passing through the fish pool, and suddenly a thrill seeker wooshed through the tube like a human missile leaving bubbles and a tail of displaced air in his wake. Blimey, that was impressive, I thought as I popped back out into the daylight and back to the landing point to disembark.

Just time for a plunge down the Mekong Rapids, all 3 of us on one raft, we assured Vicki it was quite tame, but were soon proved to be over confident and we were shocked at her screams of abuse as we hurtled down roller coaster like, into the pool below. A couple of bursts down the Snake Jungle tubes took us to closing time so we made our way back to the locker room to collect our gear, thorughly thrilled and soaked. We didn’t quite drum up courage to tackle the 28 metre drop Tower of Power, but it was fun watching others scream their way down.

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Leaving your mark on the ballot paper is one thing but U.S.A President elect Barack Obama seems to be taking things a little far. We know now that he “pissed all over” his rival John McCain but is there any need to go to these lengths?

Don’t worry, I haven’t caught potty mouth syndrome from Brand and Ross, this is in fact a sort of honour for Barack. Each christmas the Catalans indulge in one of the more unusual traditions of “El Caganer” (the shitter) , a figure that appears in the nativity scene, sadly not here in Tenerife, Â answering the call of nature. Originally it was just a shepherd but over the years more and more celebrities have been lampooed in this way, including Spanish royalty. It signifies renewal of the soil and the continuing cycle of nature, so no smirking at the back.

Quick off the mark, a Girona based company has added Barack to this years new stars. The rising star of World politics is yours for just 14 euros plus postage from www.caganer.com You may want to browse at the range of football stars and even vote for their caganer of the year, go on download one today !

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A few years ago in the UK, war was declared on waste in the form of excessive wrapping and packaging whenever you buy things, guess what, it never reached as far as Tenerife. It struck me again today when the supermarket down the road started to share my meagre bit of shopping around 4 plastic carrier bags, I tried to protest as always but they seemed quite offended, as if I was questioning their professional packing skills.

 It’s a similar tale with food, I ordered a cheese bocadillo (roll) in a bar, out it came on a plate with 3 napkins, and all the bar/cafe tables have a plastic cube full of little tissues anyway. Order a take away and it gets even more like pass the parcel, a paper bag with at least 3 napkins, then a bocadillo wrapped in tin foil, tap it and unwrap it and yes, there are 2 more napkins around the roll.

First prize though for waste goes to El Corte Ingles, the multi storey department store in Santa Cruz. I often pop into their food hall to drool at the cream cakes (not on them you will be glad to know) and might get a slice of pizza or a filled roll to chomp on the way into the city centre. They swathe my food in napkins as if they are the make up ladies on the latest Mummy film, and then for good measure they stick the package in a full size plastic carrier bag, I have to send a search team in to find it. I try to stop them but they insist on the full routine.

Some countries have limited or even banned new carrier bags, but anything illegal would soon become hot property over here. People would siddle up to you in a seedy nightclub and try to sell imported white, blue or even top of the range M & S bags. As you can tell, life is pretty good here if this is the worst thing I can think of to moan about. I can report though that the worlds financial problems have really affected me this week. My morning coffee in town normally arrives with 2 biscuits, but this week they have cut back to just the one, damm you banks, it’s hello credit crunch, goodbye Abbey Crunch.