Elephant gun, inflatable lifeboat, distress flares, and several slabs of Kendall Mint Cake, on second thoughts maybe it had been a while since my last Tenerife mountain walk and I was over packing my knapsack. Settling for some cheese rolls and a couple of bottles of cold water my friend Karen and I caught the Titsa bus from Los Cristianos to the La Centinela mirador up above Valle San Lorenzo some 11 kms away.

It was another scorcher, the last time I did this walk a few years ago it was a cloudy day but as we crunched our way down the steep incline below the La Centinela restaurant the coast unfolded in the distance with a fine view from Playa de Las Americas to El Medano and the distinctive Montana Roja. The walk is known as the Camino de la Hoya and used to be an old trade track that linked Arona with San Miguel. Since the 1970’s the busy main road does the link work along the lip of the valley but the odd pile of horse droppings and ruts in the path showed that it’s not just walkers that prefer this route.

Up above us Roque de Jama was a tell tale window on the volcanic past, the cone is cracked and splintered and reminded me of Sir Alex Fergusons nose. It was spookily quiet, we could see a long way ahead and behind and we were alone – well apart from the sweet song of the birds. Part way down we stopped to have a nosey inside an abandoned cottage, one of those holiday property programmes would no doubt have described it as an “opportunity” but the remote setting would limit those late night trips to the nearest bar.

Pummice used to be extracted from the valley floor and the barranco, dry at this time of year, could supply much needed water to irrigate crops on the terraced hills on the coastal side. There seemed to still be some limited quarrying going on in one of the flatter areas and the loud cry of a cockrel sounded from a small holding up on higher ground. Reaching the old spring and the water collecting area we stopped for our bottled water break, the old clothes washing trough was half full of stagnant water that neither of us fancied sipping. At this far end of the valley the rough track gave way to modern irregular shaped blocks as the path rose steeply past a couple of converted farm houses now being used as attractive family homes. At the top of this steep slog the Caserio de La Hoya rural house had been lovingly restored but was closed as it was on my last visit.

The old road at the top included an old tile kiln, Horno de Tejas, built in the late 19^th century and restored in 1993 and the resevoir further along looked almost full unlike the few we spotted from the main track earlier. We were skirting San Miguel now and could see the spire of the church but there was more work to do. The Sendero del Tamaide teased us along the edge of another barranco before luring us down into El Lomo and a wooden bridge over a few spluttering dribbles from the almost dry spring. Deep down in this cleft the birds swooped overhead from their homes scooped out of the rock sides. Another big effort up the tight path brought us to a modern concrete road following on from a very uneven path that dropped away dramatically into the barranco, nice to look into but good to stay out of.

There was the last stretch through the narrow back streets of San Miguel centre past the Casa de El Capitan and a mix of revamped rural houses and new speculative apartments from more optimistic times now unfinished and abandoned. A basic modern café supplied our pressing needs of drinks and a filling snack as our muscles got a chance to take some deep breaths. On the bus back along the top road overlooking our main route it was rewarding to see how much ground we had covered in the two and a half hours trekking, it’s definitely rekindled my walking instincts.

There’s a blue and white glow to the world today after CD Tenerife sealed their Group One title with a magnificent 0-3 away win at SS Reyes. This was another big test with Bruno and Suso suspended and Llorente injured but the squad showed it’s worth again, Sergio Rodriguez covered well at left back and Carlos Portero and Medina looked comfortable in midfield.

An early lead was just what was needed to settle the nerves, Rigo tested Eladio in the home goal and he could only parry the shot for Aridane to tap in. Carlos thought he had doubled the margin but the keeper stuck out a foot to foil him. Tenerife were well in charge and another good move made it 0-2, a defender got a head to a corner and Aridane spotted his chance and nodded the loose ball into the net.

Reyes, fighting to avoid the drop, had a little rally, Moyano made two good defensive blocks from Vicente, he later managed to get a shot in but put it wide. Aridane was looking for his hat trick and nearly completed it just before the interval with a wide shot after a deep break. Alberto got himself in a bit of a muddle soon after the restart but Rodriguez cleared the danger and Sergio took a high ball off the head of an attacker. It was pretty comfortable, Aridane was frustrated by the post after a good cross from Rodriguez and Nico and Ayoze replaced Chechu and Carlos.

Nico was enjoying his rare run out, a mazy run opened up a shot for Loro that Eladio saved and a pass to Ayoze went begging as the young striker could only produce a weak shot at the keeper. On such a great day Tenerife deserved every break they got, Ayoze had the last word finally breaking his scoring duck after taking two defenders wide before scoring. What a way to clinch the title. That’s the job part done, Alcala home at 5pm on Sunday will be party time as Tenerife wrap up the two last regular games before the big challenge of home and away play offs. No team should hold any fears for the mighty Tete, surely this is our season.

He should have been treating his mother on Spain’s Mothers Day instead referee Alvarez-Jesus did his best to ruin a cracking 3-3 draw as CD Marino took on Real Madrid C.

With Poncho leaving in the week and Rafa suspended Marino made changes but suffered the worst possible start as Chema handled the ball, got booked, and saw Saurez score from the penalty spot after 4 minutes. Dorta made a great defensive tackle a few minutes later and Jaime and Chema worked well down the left to cause Madrid a few problems. The C team were speedy on the break and hard tackling, Saurez clattered home captain Airam several times and crunched Balduino when he got near to goal. Burgui rounded the Marino defence and looked odds on to score but Aaron made a strong block.

Sandro was playing in a more withdrawn central role but once he was unleashed on the right after 30 minutes Marino took control and put the Madrid goal under siege. Too often Marino players got themselves offside but the ref was annoyingly late with the call each time. Balduino looked sharp and Airam was hustling to unsettle the visitors, after resisting several raids Madrid were unlocked by a Chema corner that was pounced on by Airam (below) as goalie Jacob clawed at thin air.

That equalizer was a great way to end the half and Marino continued to dominate at the start of the second half as a Sandro shot shaved the bar. Ayoze showed good skill looping a shot at goal from a corner and the Madrid starlets looked second best. Marino went ahead with a beauty after the keeper fluffed his clearance, the ball fell to Sandro just outside the box and he buried it with a delicate lob. The lead was soon wiped out from a Madrid break, pulled to the left and stroked the ball past Matias in the home goal.

Jaime went forward looking for a break and found Sandro but he snatched at his shot and it went wide. The ref had been cramming names into his book but went one better with Iker, the Marino striker went down in the penalty area after a 50 50 challenge but the ref booked him for diving, the surprised striker quietly asked why and was shown the red card – what nonsense. Madrid took this as their rallying call and pressed for a goal, Matias made a great low save to turn the ball aside. Balduino is normally an old fashioned powerful striker but he showed some sublime skill when he turned with his back to goal and fired the ball into the underside of the net to restore the lead.

It was all pretty even, Matias made another strong diving save as Madrid made their extra man count. Marino probably just about deserved to win but a late charge from Madrid produced an agonizing finish as the ball bounced off the post and crawled past Matias for a 3-3 draw.

Hoping for a head clearing walk after a heavy weekend there I was surrounded by a sea of dancers in the centre of Los Cristianos, all being far too energetic for my delicate constitution to cope with. Whoops did I just loose the end of April? It seemed to slip away pretty quickly thanks to a mix of my birthday and the company of good friends – or is it just my age. The latest landmark in my ageing process was a fairly quiet and restrained affair but it picked up pace rapidly after that.

Friday was a fun night at El Cordero in Guargacho with a select group of CD Tenerife friends, Neal, Karen and Matt were over from Bournemouth and Burnley Pete was here from surprisingly enough Burnley. The General and Bob and Jess completed the group as we noshed our way through a mountain of food – and a few beers. On the way back we popped into Suters Bar for a few Doradas and were entertained by two old local codgers squaring up to each other in a drunken slow motion preamble to a fight that was never going to happen.

Saturday was sunshine and swimming followed by a Titsa bus up to Tejina in Guia de Isora to eat out at Bar Achamey. The large platter of spicy meat mixed well with the Dorada, no one sat next to us on the return bus later. Tejina is a lovely little village and I was very taken by a garden homage to Tejina a former Princess of the Guanches, the original native inhabitants of Tenerife. Saturday night finished with a few more beers for me at The Merry Monk, I did catch the last few games on The Football League Show but they seemed to be spinning a bit – bedtime I think.

Sundays CD Tenerife trip was its usual Dorada fuelled fun fest of football and friends with a 2-0 win keeping the promotion pot boiling. Besides the game (see previous blog post) the images of Super Mario threatening to streak onto the pitch and a Roger Mellie look alike Elvis impersonator on the coach helped to jolly things along. Back in Los Cristianos after a few farewell beers with the Bournemouth trio before they left with a very early morning flight to face, I grabbed some food down at The Breeze Inn, Las Vistas beach and took a few photos of the visiting cruise ship Albatros.

It was a scorching day and the ship looked wonderful moored up just off the bay with little shuttle boats bringing some of the 600 passengers in to spend their money. Sadly there wasn’t enough time for me to shoot home and pick up my banjo or mouth organ so I could busk a few tunes for the wealthy visitors. The ship had started at Bremerhaven in Germany and called at Portsmouth, Vigo, and Agadir before La Gomera the previous day, the next stops would include Funchal, and Amsterdam before going back to Germany. I couldn’t help wondering how many bars it had on the 10 decks. After working my way home I probably should have called it a day but returned to The Merry Monk later to join a Man City (Paul & Justine) and Millwall (Henry and Cat Woman) combination of Armada Sur to squeeze out a quiz winning effort – another late night ensued.

That brings me to hangover Monday, I just about managed the basics during the day before walking into the dance zone in town. It was the International Day Of Dance and several stages, more than last year, had been set up to showcase different dance styles led by local youth groups. Some more mature ,ladies were being whipped into a salsa frenzy at Plaza del Pescadora, I swear at one point even the statue of the fisher woman was bopping. Some of the wilder dance floor moves were taking place further up the road to the church but the biggest crowd was outside the perfume shop where a large crowd was clapping and leaping around. It was all a bit much for me, after grabbing a few pics I was home and ready for an early night zzzzzzzzzzz. Well I think that’s everything covered – unless you can tell me where I picked up that inflatable zebra and a tattoo of Sue Barker on a very intimate part of my anatomy?

Frustrated but ultimately triumphant CD Tenerife inched towards the champions crown after a 2-0 home win over a very unambitious Fuenlabrada team. Leganes kept their outside chance of claiming the Group One title alive by seeing off Rayo Vallecano B 2-0 so there is still a bit of work to do to. Fuenlabrada harboured an outside chance to crash the play off party but it didn’t show in their attitude, they played with one isolated attacker and tried to close down Tenerife and limit their chances and it worked for most of the game.

Rigo Baltasar was this weeks new hero, a cracking sixth minute shot forced the first of several fine saves from Basilio in the visitors goal. Dogged by niggling injuries since his January signing the central defender followed up last weeks solid away debut with an assured display of firm defending, accurate passing, and an ability to pop up as an extra forward at set pieces. Ayoze was dropped this week but Loro was back to his magnificent creative best up front and Inigo Ros was the midfield master. It was only a combination of bad luck and stubborn defending that stopped the scoreboard from rolling in the first half.

Fuenlabrada were strangers to Sergio Aragoneses in the home goal, even when they trespassed into the Tenerife half they were quickly deprived of the ball, Bruno made a well timed intervention after 14 minutes. Raul Llorente was busy on the left and set up Aridane who saw his header saved, Suso was his bundle of energy and ideas but that all important break through goal wouldn’t come. The second half opened with a half chance for Chechu that went wide and soon after another bite that the goalie blocked. Rigo tried to imitate Alberto’s wonder blast last week, he unleashed a powerful long shot that stung the keepers hands as he saved it.

Coach Alvaro Cervera showed his hunger for the win by replacing defender Bruno with Cristo Martin and his introduction added a vital spark to Tenerife. Cristo fed Loro and he found Aridane on the edge of the box and he jinked his way past the defence to rifle in his 21 st marker of the season. Four minutes later Loro slung a corner in and Rigo met it perfectly with his head to dispel any doubts. We could have had another magical goal as Loro took an acrobatic swing at an incoming ball but it didn’t quite fall for him.

Not one of the easiest wins but vital to keep the charge going, bookings for Bruno and Suso will sideline them for next Sundays game at SS Reyes but the squad has plenty of options to cover for them – a win will guarantee that top spot – start chilling that Dorada.

Battle ship grey, a big gun at each end, and proudly flying the Union Jack, was this a belated fight back from the Brits on behalf of Nelson? Not really but you can understand why the port authorities were a bit jittery at this unexpected guest.

Defender wasn’t here by choice, chatting to one of the crew I found out that a broken gasket had forced the 40 metre long ship to limp in for vital repairs. On route from Falmouth to Senegal the privately owned security vessel had a fair few technical problems. The Guardia Civil patrol boat was parked up behind it next door to the ferry terminal but port security were quite concerned at the canon like guns. The boat was built for the Sultan of Oman as a patrol ship in 1967 and then “gifted” back to it’s birth port of Lowestoft to a former Royal Navy Lieutenant Chris Enmarsh. Loaded up with a crew of former Royal Navy marines, Defender has been patrolling the east coast of Africa protecting oil platforms.

It all created a bit of a flap and Spanish Navy officials were soon in town to find out what the story was. They say that the 40 mm gun on the front and its 20 mm friend at the rear are decommissioned . Even though that brought a big sigh of relief a Tornado (above) from the Spanish Navy popped over from its Las Palmas base to escort Defender through last night to the more secure setting of Santa Cruz port due to “administrative irregularities” and presumably awaiting full repairs. If replacement parts don’t arrive soon I think I might have some old Airfix spares and some Humbrol mini paint cans.

Celebrations were in the air at CD Marino, from the dressing room of visitors Leganes and another relayed from Oviedo to the grounds terrace bar but the home players had to settle for a consoling hug and handshake from their President as they lost their relegation battle.

Disastrous early season form marked Marino’s fate but since January they have been a match for most teams in Las Americas. They made a sprightly start again, Balduino carved out a neat cross in the first minute and Sandro thought he had scored but goalie Falcon just managed to stop the ball from crossing the line. Leganes needed a win to ensure their play off spot and played a tight controlled game soaking up pressure and looking to win the ball with crunching tackles to launch quick breaks.

Dani Gomez was particularly tough on Chema as he sped down the left looking to feed Balduino. The Marino forward didn’t help his cause by getting in offside positions and Iker was relying too often on scraps from Balduino rather than making his own chances. Leganes made few clear chances, the first fell to Vega and although the forward had the height to make a header he didn’t have the accuracy. Aicart wasted an opening blasting wide and Marino were hopeful of taking the break on even terms. A testing ball in from Dioni just before half time found the defence hesitant and Alberto off guard as the ball evaded the keeper.

Into the second half, Noah replaced Airam to bolster the attack and Balduino again got caught offside. Martinez went close from a free kick as Leganes pressed forward more and after 66 minutes a curling shot from Martinez got the better of Alberto and at 0-2 it was over as a contest. Noah made a chance from nothing as he skillfully dug out the ball from a goal mouth melee and set up Iker but he put his shot over the bar.

It was all or nothing so Ayoze pushed up from his central defence role and a shot from him caught the hand of Victor, it would have been a harsh penalty call but the ref didn’t even consider it. A loud cheer from the bar signaled CD Tenerife taking the lead at Oviedo, not really what Leganes wanted to hear but they were happy with the play off spot their win would guarantee. The final five minutes were cruel as Raul Barcos got sent off for a full bloodied foul. A late charge by Marino was frustrated by goalie Falcon bouncing the ball basketball style behind his goal before taking his goal kick, he repeated the trick and got a yellow card. As Marino traipsed off at the final whistle their heads were down but President Barrios made a point of showing his pride in their gallant but late fight back at the rear of the season.

Over at Real Oviedo there was a superb turnaround 1-2 win for CD Tenerife. Tarantino and Suso were dropped with Baltasar Rigo making his debut in thee centre of defence and Loro returning up front. Cervero gave the home side a 26 minute lead that they held until the 74th minute when Ayoze set up Loro who coolly stroked the ball into the net. The winner a few minutes later was sheer brilliance, a loose ball in the middle of the park looked no danger but the youngster spotted the goalie off his line and lobbed the ball perfectly over him from 50 yards. Four regular games to go and CD Tenerife have their section title well within their grasp and could seal it at home to Fuenlabrada next Sunday.

The black plastic seats had been absorbing the 35 degrees plus of calima fuelled sunshine all day, a few people winced as they sat down, not the best night for a traditional Tenerife late start. A few people melted away and others moved to the shady side as they waited for the Arona Esta de Moda fashion parades to start. Would it be worth the wait? Thankfully yes, this years new position next to the Casa del Mar on the old Los Cristianos beach side of the tunnel allowed for a bigger grander stage with a small pit for a live band and the catwalk jutting out into the sea of seats for the audience.

The large video wall backdrop gave the sponsors more publicity and that was the name of the game, all the clothes on display were available at shops in the main Arona towns, a glossy brochure gave full shopping details. There were also a few stalls down each side promoting related items like hair and make up, in these times of empty council wallets underwriting these mass audience events with commercial backing makes good sense all round.

Anyway with a fanfare and a parade of young energetic dancers proving that Grease is the word, our compere was ready to introduce the first set of models. They were all local amateurs so full marks to them for coping with nerves and the stifling heat. The first models were very young but quite confident as they strutted out onto what must have seemed an endless catwalk. The clothes were chosen to be ordinary and accessible, none of these wild Paris or London creations that no real people would ever wear.

It was a good mix of ages, male and female showing off their threads, each section dealt with a different type of fashion, leisure, formal, swim wear, sport etc and the general set up was dancers out first to act as backing at the rear of the stage as the models went forth one by one and then joined a growing group pose on a podium before taking a collective bow.

Lots of proud parents were cooing with satisfaction in the audience and a few school friends were lurking at the side stocking up on embarrassment ammunition for the next week at school, the lads strutting their stuff are going to take some terrible stick from their mates but it’s gotta be a good way to impress the girls. As the evening went on more people flocked around the temporary arena, hopefully they will check out the local shops in the next few days and buy some clothes to boost local trade. It was a bit of a gamble moving to a bigger display area but it paid off and allowed much more freedom of movement, bring on the next show.

At times frustrating, always entertaining, but ultimately a fair draw as CD Tenerife shared the home spoils 1-1 with Sporting Gijon B. After losing 3-2 in the away fixture and with Mr Reliable Inigo Ros suspended this was no time to ease off in the promotion hunt but Tenerife seemed to be already looking ahead to the play offs.

The big decision was who would replace Ros, coach Cervera went for Fran Ochoa but he proved to be a bit lightweight to fill such impressive boots and with Chechu having another poor game the midfield lacked bite and ideas. Moyano and Tarantino both made good defensive clearances early on as confident Sporting tested them out. Jairo looked a quality player for the visitors and easily knocked Moyano off the ball to create danger. Raul Llorente was in adventurous mood from the left back slot and combined well with Cristo Martin after 18 minutes to set up Aridane, the striker saw his first shot blocked but followed up to grab a home lead.

Jairo was full of threat and it took a strong body block from Sergio Aragoneses to deny him a clear shot. On the half hour Sergio got his fingers to a high effort that rattled off the bar. Guerrero blasted a shot wide but was back a few minutes later to head in from a corner and level the game. Ayoze could have closed the half by restoring the lead but his shot hit the bar.

Suso started the second half in place of Fran Ochoa and was his usual busy self, running at the Sporting defence. Aridane had the goal in his sights only to be denied by a solid intervention from Julio but Tenerife were struggling to take control of the game. Chechu’s departure was hardly greeted with surprise, Yeray took his place but still the supply lines were patchy and frustration was getting to Aridane and Suso. Chances did come knocking, Tenerife will wonder how they failed to score as Ayoze shot into the side netting from close range after the goalie slipped. Guillem replaced Cristo in an attacking gamble, a free kick almost caught the keeper out as he back peddled and slammed into the post somehow keeping his composure.

It was anyone’s game, Sporting made a real contest of it and had it not been for more classy saves from Sergio they could have taken the lead. Tipping the ball away from the roof of the net after a corner was matched by a robust two footed block. The 9,412 crowd had to settle for a point, it was a fashionable result on the day as stalemate affected the chasing pack. Now with just five regular games left the lead stays at six points, a play off berth is now guaranteed but there is still work to do before a chance to win promotion in the home and away final of the group champions.

Sometimes I feel like that robot in the 80’s American comedy film Short Circuit “input give me more input”. A non football visit to Santa Cruz was long overdue and with a long tick list I knew the Tenerife capital would provide enough input to get my rusty circuits buzzing.

The 110 direct Titsa bus did me proud with a 50 minute run from Los Cristianos and a short tram ride was free on my bono ticket. Sitting near the drivers cab I noticed there was an emergency phone for the driver, it was like one of the old 70’s trimphones – maybe it linked straight through to Noel Edmunds at the Swap Shop? Ignoring a man wandering around the central shopping area of Santa Cruz dressed as a banana (what’s odd about that?) I headed for the Caja Canarias bank HQ in Plaza de Patriotismo and the new Cesar Manrique exhibition. The great man had a huge influence on the Canary islands in general and Lanzarote in particular and the paintings and sculptures on display put me in a chipper mood for the day. Look out for a full run down at Tenerife Magazine.

The military museum was my next call and I cut through Parque Garcia Sanabria knowing it’s delightful flowers and plants would further boost my mood. There’s a small art gallery on the far side of the park and the latest display Turismundi had recently opened so a little detour was called for. Six artists were displaying works, my favourite set was the whimsical Desayuno Incluido (breakfast included) by Enma Manescau. You have until 5 May to feast your eyes (it’s free) but only until 26 April to see Offshore, a stunning collection of surf photos in the window of the annex building.

Quickening my step I followed La Rambla around to the Museo Militar but despite being well ahead of closing time the guard said no more visitors were allowed in today and as he had a rifle I wasn’t going to argue. Never mind, it gives me a starting point for my next exploring trip. Walking down to Avenida Anaga facing the port I saw the first of three new commemorative plaques added the day before to mark artillery strongholds where invaders, including Nelson, were repelled many years ago. These have been installed by the Turtulia Amigos de 25 Julio who commemorate and re-enact the successful defence of Santa Cruz against Lord Nelson on 25 July 1797.

That led me on to a modern financial battle ground. The revamp of the main Via Litoral road that separates the port from Plaza de España and the city inland is almost complete with a tunnel ready to dip traffic underground for 506 metres so a vast pedestrian area can unite the port with the city. The day before my trip the Tenerife Cabildo (government) finally agreed to pay the annual 400,000 euro bill to maintain and service the tunnel, that leaves it clear for the big opening later in April. Up top there is more work to do to cover the roof of the tunnel and put in parks and walkways, it’s going to look pretty impressive.

Heading up into Calle Castillo, the main shopping drag, I was seduced off course by an unexpected flea market in the side streets. Rastrillo Le Petite Cirque had stalls packed with bric a brac, collectables, and street fashion. I spotted a few gems like old tobacco and chocolate tins for Senior Service and Dairy Box, a manual typewriter, a trombone, and a stack of vinyl including Emerson Lake and Palmer, Twisted Sister, and The Carpenters – what a weird party that would be. The Rastrillo will be back on 10 & 11 May, I shall have a deeper delve then and try another old restaurant to add to the gorgeous food I had at Tasca La Marea.

Safe in the knowledge that Santa Cruz is still a pleasing mix of ancient and modern I headed back to the bus station and once in my seat remembered another dozen or so things I was going to check out – bring on the next trip.