I have never seen so many suspender clad legs, skimpy dresses and lavish hair do’s-and that was just the men! It could only be Carnaval night in Santa Cruz, the capital of Tenerife, where celebrations were in full swing, with this years theme of Magic, vaguely kept in mind.
I went up with 2 mates and the first hurdle was catching the Gua Gua, the public service Titsa bus, extra buses were put on through the night for the hours drive up north. The scrum down of bodies at Los Cristianos, all dressed to thrill and loaded up with clinking carrier bags and glasses to mix their drinks, started to pour onto the bus but disaster struck, the machine reading Bono tickets (advance multi journey savers) packed up leaving the driver to pull his hair out and try to coax cash only clients on board. After half an hour of heaving bodies and a quick repair from another driver, we lurched off into the night and the party cranked up a gear.
Anything goes at Carnaval time, and the bus was stuffed to the rafters, with singing, drinking and dancing in the aisle, at one point I had a scantily dressed cat woman pressed up against me – but I was the one purring. Just past the Las Galletas turning on the motorway, another bus swung out in front, equally packed and with bodies writhing in the back window. At various remote stops up the motorway, the bus shelters were full of fancy dressed party goers and we even managed to squeeze a few more on but those left behind seemed happy to party in the dark.
Pulling in to Santa Cruz, the sea of bodies became a tidal wave and we were happy to be swept along grabbing a few beers on the way and admiring the weird and wonderful costumes being worn, there was even a pair of fancy dress doorman cheekily minding the doors on one of the hotels.

 Carnaval is well organised chaos, with a make shift hospital, police units at little huts scattered along the streets and an army of cleaners on standby to restore normality in the morning.
The fair along the harbour road was doing a roaring trade but we resisted the lure of the gut churning, fling em here, fling em there rides. The floats from the big parade were parked up past the ferry terminal so after a quick look round there we cut into the main shopping area of the city.
Plaza de España is still partly closed for renovation so the crowds streamed around it and up the main shoppinfg street towards Plaza de Weyler – then it got seriously crowded. It’s easy to get confused at Carnaval as nuns, angels, schoolgirls and queens squeeze by, some with hairy legs and arms – eat, drink and be Mary is the order of the night. There were plenty of “amateur” nurses, doctors and police, in uniforms that reveal much more than you get on the NHS. Side streets are transformed into a mass of dancing bodies as sexual barriers are pushed to the limits – some sights would make Russell Brand blush. Local neighbours have complained in recent years about excessive street noise, but this is one beast you can’t muzzle, I can see that they might be a little upset at the rivers of urine running from their doors and shop fronts but the clean up squad will squirt, brush and tidy everything in the morning.
Fuelled by more beer, we pushed on through the throng, and several thongs, stopping for some tasty white bait at one of the stalls and a whizz round on the dodgems. We eventually made our way back to the bus station at 5am but the crowds were as packed as ever, only daylight would stop this party. The queues were long and wobbly for the bus and some strugglers had to be practically carried past the security guards and onto the bus for the slightly more subdued trip back south. A great night of fun, music and spectacle, many will return to do it all again over the next week or so but for me, sleep was calling.

Dig out those shades, that black leather jacket and the jeans with the ripped knees, it’s time for some punk action from Marky Ramone, the ex drummer of New York rockers The Ramones.

Marky Ramone and Friends will be playing between Santa Cruz and La Laguna at the Plaza Tranvia, La Cuesta on Sat March 1. Tickets are 15 euros from El Corte Ingles and the Caja Canarias cashpoints. Marky is promising to do a full tribute to the great Ramones with classics like Sheena Is A Punk Rocker and Sedated.

More music coming up. Chuck Berry will be playing in Santa Cruz on Thurs. March 27 at the Santa Cruz sports hall, that’s the Pabellon Deportes not the basketball arena. The 81 year old legend will be travelling light and recruiting a band when he gets here – class eh.

Then on Sat. May 24, supergroup Asia will be playing the Santa Cruz Auditorium. Eric Clapton and Steve Winwood may not be with the group these days but drummer Carl Palmer is and it’s a home coming for him as he lived in La Orotava for a few years.

And finally, news is seeping through about Aquaviva 2008. it’s expected to be late June again and Keane definately wont be getting an invite after their late pull out last year. First name announced is French band, Blackstrobe, a complete mystery to me but at least it shows that they will be looking at getting an interesting mix again for the music.

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Get your dancing shoes on and prepare to party, it’s nearly Carnaval time, and while all the towns around the island prepare for their regional celebrations, Santa Cruz is gearing up to be the biggest, boldest and brashest of all.

Second only to Rio de Janiero in size and grandeur, Santa Cruz draws in crowds from all over the world with it’s mix of music, dance rythms, costume and pageantry and despite taking a few knocks in recent years it’s still the event of the year.

This year because of the ongoing work to the Plaza de España, the main stage for the big events has been moved to the car park of the Parque Maritimo, on the seafront just before the hook nosed auditorium and opposite the Recinto Ferial exhibition hall. The Carnaval theme this year is Magic and the huge lavish stage and tiered seating for 9,000 people has risen up high into the skyline thanks to a team of 50 construction workers. It’s an impressive sight but im not too keen on heights and the thought of being perched at the top of the seating with the open maze of scaffolding below, fills me with dread, especially if the crowd start dancing in their seats.

Local neighbours groups have denounced the Carnaval the last 2 years for excessive noise in the streets so this year the council have tried to head that off by agreeing on limits to noise and cut off times, and from next year, the main stage will be moved to the dockside, not a popular move with the purists who can’t understand what the fuss is all about.

The qualifying rounds for the main events such as adult, senior and childrens Carnaval Queen start this week with the big showpiece finals on the stage. Tickets went on sale on Friday, some people camped out over night to ensure theirs. They are on sale at the Recinto Ferial from 8am to 8pm all week apart from Sundays when it’s 10 to 1pm and 5 to 8pm. There is a limit of 6 tickets per person and there are various discount rates for large familes, for instance, for the biggest event, the election of the adult Carnaval Queen, tickets range down from 10 euros.

Some of the main dates are January 20-Childrens Carnaval Queen election, January 35-Adult murgas final, Janaury30-adult Carnaval Queen and February 6-the burial of the sardine. For the uninitiated, the murgas are brightly dressed bands playing kazoo like instruments and singing satirical songs attacking politicians and local figures. The burial of the sardine is a big funeral procession with a giant papier mache sardine carried amongst a group of mourners dressed in widows weeds, crying and fainting. It ends when the sardine is burnt amid a cascade of fireworks.

The widows tend to be mainly men in drag, a common theme at Carnaval, if you have a few drinks chaps and have a dance with a nice looking lady, don’t be surprised to find she has hairy arms and that little bit extra that might shock you if you start getting amorous. The main thing though is to join in the spirit of Carnaval, you are more likely to look odd if you are not in fancy dress. Go and have fun and let the rythm take you over.

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Gaspar, Melchor and Baltasar, no it’s not a firm of lawyers or a new musical group, it’s the 3 kings or wise men if you prefer, who have just arrived bearing gifts here in Tenerife and all across Spain. Tomorrow is Reyes (Kings Day) when Spanish children open their christmas presents but tonight in towns and villages everyone takes to the streets to welcome the kings.

There are some regional variations on the main theme but the kings normally arrive on camels, throwing handfulls of sweets to the crowds as they head to the main plaza and the stage where eager children are called up to receive their presents. Here in Los Cristianos, they start off from the ferry port in a big procession complete with fire eaters, musicians in traditional Canarian outfits and well known cartoon characters like Mickey Mouse,Pluto and Wayne Rooney – or was that supposed to be Shrek? All this is of course backed by a lavish firework show.

Up north in the capital, Santa Cruz, the kings arrive by helicopter and land on the pitch at CD Tenerife’s ground, where 22,000 children and their families are enjoying a live spectacular show. Let’s hope they don’t make a mess of our pitch as CD Tenerife are at home to Celta Vigo tomorrow in the league. It should be a big crowd and a great atmosphere, all we need is the welcome present of 3 points. Sounds like a good excuse to crack open a few bottles of Dorada.

Slightly green around the gills, pale, and wearing running shoes, the passengers of the Queen Victoria cruise liner stepped onto Tenerife in Santa Cruz today. Well not all of them were fragile, just the 80 or so that have been hit by an outbreak of Norovirus, a form of gastroenteritis.

Apparently the bug, that really opens up the sluices at both ends, is pretty common on cruise liners. Those into seafaring superstition, are pointing to the launch in Southampton 3 weeks ago by the Duchess of Cornwall. When Camilla swung the bottle at the hull, it failed to smash, a surefire sign of bad luck according to some. Mind you, luck shouldn’t really come into it with a £300 million luxury Cunard liner on it’s maiden voyage.

Anyway, all that aside, she did cut a very impressive figure in Santa Cruz, all 90,000 tons and 12 decks of her. The official passenger compliment of 1,980 are wallowing in sheer luxury with 990 staterooms, theatres, shopping centres, swimming pools and even an ice rink. The ship has already called at Vigo and Granada in Spain and Lisbon, Portugal, and will continue on tomorrow to Casablanca, Morocco, and Gibralter before sailing back to Southampton for January 6.

I tried to get round to the ship itself but was stopped by security half way, and at that point I met a few passengers who, assuming me to be a fellow passenger, asked me where the bus goes from. I thought they meant for some day excursion, but no, they meant the shuttle bus between the ship and the docks exit, a mere 5 to 10 minute walk, pampered or what.

Queen Victoria is scheduled to leave port at 11pm tonight, which is a shame as Santa Cruz was vibrant and busy and shaping up for a fantastic New Years Eve. A large stage on the dockside will be belting out music tonight and Calle de Castillo, between the Plaza de España and Plaza Weyler has never looked better, lined with food stalls and street performers. Bon voyage and happy new year to them, and lets hope that like the England cricket team, they forget all about the runs.

As at yesterdays press conference at Golf Costa Adeje, 9,000 tickets had been sold for the big Elton John concert on January 24 at 9pm. As Christmas, New Year and Reyes fade with the hangovers, the tickets will really start flying so get in there now.

The military operation to bring the great man to Tenerife is in full swing, the Adeje councillor for tourism joined 2 of the promoters yeaterday to show solidarity and stress that the support is there from the local police etc to make sure all goes well. The main road down to the golf course will be all but sealed off to avoid congestion around the entrances but there will be 4000 parking spaces and Titsa will be running buses from all around the island down to the entrances to the concert.

Elton’s people are bringing 10 huge trailers of equipment and 350 staff to make sure the sound and lighting is perfect. I must admint to being one of the original doubters but it is looking good and they seem to have all the angles covered. Hopefully if this is a big success, it will herald more top acts to follow.

Tickets are easy to get, here are just a few outlets, El Corte Ingles, Parah beach wear stores, 250 Repsol garages and just about every music shop on the island. Otherwise you can use any of the Caja Canarias cashpoints, try official www.eltonjohn.com site or check with the new website www.eltonjohntenerife.com. Prices are 120 euros, 90 euros and 35 euros. See you there on the night but please, dont let me dance – it’s not pretty.

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Yippee, i’m back in the sun after my week in Oxford. The plane back had loads of empty seats, hope thats not an indication of a poor christmas for tourism, talk of strikes soon at airports certainly wont help.

Anyway, after coming back to the last traces of heavy rain, it has cleared now and is lovely and sunny but the colder snap has left Mount Teide covered in snow. It look grest from the beach, as you can see.

It’s all pretty hectic now in the run up to christmas, so let me take this opportunity to wish all my readers a happy christmas and a busy new year-Feliz Navidad.

Well the sun has got his hat on here in Oxford but it’s still cold, so cold you could grate cheese on my scrotum.

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Things have changed a bit but thankfully lots of the old pubs are still burning brightly. This is my first winter trip since the new smoking laws and it is weird to see people freezing outside bars grabbing a crafty fag. There are more American style coffee shops than ever and despite having those hard cold metal seats outside, people are sitting in them to have a drag with their coffee. If they haven’t got piles yet, they soon will have.

Christmas decorations are very minimal here, mainly because the council is broke after wasting money on silly causes and their never ending attempt to redesign the city centre. Maybe i will get some paper chain packs and make some stuff fot them – for a big fat consultancy fee of course.

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Oh well must go, the pubs call, 3 pounds a pint but at least the real ale is looking good, and lots of stronger winter warmer brews. Talk soon.

Well here I am freezing my bits off in Oxford for a week. I will hopefully be updating the site with some bits and pieces, although that depends on how much real ale I drink.

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Flying out from Reina Sofia airport on Tuesday afternoon, a slight delay left me with a bit of extra time to kill, and determined not to start on the beer too soon, I had time to explore. You may remember I had a bit of a moan a few weeks ago about the tourist boards aborted banana promotion at both airports. The idea was that arriving tourists would be given a little box of 3 bananas and a leaflet of useful contact details, but despite a big splurge of publicity that made many news sites, the promotion was scrapped before it even started. So it was with interest that I spotted a stall in the upstairs departure lounge at Reina Sofia, it wasn’t there on my last trip in June,  selling souvenir packs of bananas to take home. The packs contain 8 bananas and cost 6 euros, makes you wonder how the free promotion became a business idea, and if the company El Regalo Mas Natural is owned byanyone connected to the Cabildo (government). It’s not a bad idea in itself, but they missed a trick. At that price it is a good way to buy a snack at the airport, given that Reina Sofia was found in a survey to be the dearest airport in Spain for food and drink.

Reina Sofia seems to be getting more commercial, there are definately more shops open downstairs and a few more locales nearing completion. I think the large local produce shop, selling cheeses, sauces, wine etc, is a good idea, after all if people are going to buy overpriced things to take home (2 small pots of mojo sauce for 6.70 euros) they might as well be locally produced overpriced things.

Another slightly annoying thing was the credit card stands, where a couple of supposedly dolly birds were trying to get Brits to sign up for a Barclays Flexi rate card. The ladies didnt just stick to their little stands, they were going up to people and giving them the cheesy smile and silly chatter to draw them in. Can’t help thinking that after being accosted on holiday by Lookie Lookie men and Timeshare touts, it might be the final straw for some tourists to get more hassle at the airport.

Just 45 days, that’s all it took to build the new temporary home produce market in La Laguna. This is on an island where public work projects normally go at 2 speeds, slow and stop. So on Tuesday December 11 at 7am, traders can start to sell their local produce to the public just in time for christmas. The Catalan builders, AS Montaje, definately deserve their christmas bonus this year.

Back in the summer, the old market building in Plaza del Adelantado, started to crumble and slip into a barranco and of course promises of a new temporary building in Plaza del Cristo were met with a cynical response. The project has been remarkable, first the car park below was strengthened and then 15 aluminium arches were put up to support the building, after that it was full steam ahead.

Not only will the market help farmers and co-operatives to sell fresh vegetables, bread, pastries, wine, sauces and much more, it will also entertain the kids. On the site there is a 400 square metre artificial ice rink, where for a nominal 3 euros, children can exhaust themselves while their parents shop till the kids drop. The rink opens from 10am until 4pm in the week and till 10pm at weekends, fiestas and in the run up to christmas. Also on site is a cafe/bar open for the same hours.

If you want christmas wrapping and decorations, there is a special market open at the plaza by the Tower of the church of the Conception (see pic) again from 10 to 10 each day, up until December 22. Besides the usual goodies, they have large inflatable Tweety Pies with christmas hats on, wonderful for target practice, just set them up and shoot those Pios (it’s a Las Palmas thing) down.